Ho ho ho!
The days get darker, the air gets colder and the wallets get emptier. That's right, it's December once again and Christmas is knocking on your door. So draw the curtains, turn off the lights and pray it passes by.
Most of my life I have been the 'bah-humbug' misery-guts who hates Christmas but this year I am surrounded by a tide of people who hate it as much as I do. For years I have been picking up on little faults with it and whilst most people are saddened by the stress and the lovely recession that burst through the door and kicked the tree over, I myself am still concerned about a few things.
At this time of year, parents don't simply acknowledge, but advocate an elderly, obese man who 'sees you when you're sleeping' and hands out sweets and toys to children. So essentially, this guy's got webcams in all our houses watching the kids and then once a year he drops down a chimney and plies the sleeping youngsters with gifts. That sounds pretty strange to me.
Santa Claus doesn't even have anything to do with Christmas. He was invented by Coca-Cola and based on jolly old Saint Nick. For those of you who don't know - Saint Nick was at the time, one of the other names for Satan. Satan - Santa. Spot any similarities?
On top of this, the Santa you go and see at your local stores are always portrayed as living in a grotto. So.....a cave then. He's a troglodyte.
So in summary, once a year, on the birthday of Jesus Christ (if that's your belief) we are basically inviting a cave-dwelling, gin-soaked devil into our homes while we sleep so he can give our children gifts and sweets? This concerns me on many levels.
I can't be the only person who sees a problem here....
So this year lock your doors, barricade the windows and brick your chimneys up.
Because this year Santa's shitting down your chimney and touching up your wife.